Why I make my husband crazy

There are many reasons I make my husband crazy...

...my organized, methodical, thoughtful, cautious husband...

Today was a perfect example.

As I mentioned in my last post, two sons and Paul are off to Boy Scout winter camp this evening. About a month ago, I received some forms that needed to be filled out in order for Evan and Zayd to attend. One of them was a health form.

I didn't look at them.

Why would I do that?

I mean, winter camp was a month away.

Then winter camp was a week away.

Then winter camp was a day away.

Then winter camp was here.

I finally looked at the health form.

"Wow!" I thought to myself. "A three page health form. Serious stuff." When I went to Girl Scout camp, we just all hopped into cars with our sleeping bags, jams and a few clothes, and went to camp. No insurance forms for the drivers, no health forms, nothing.

I started filling out Zayd's form first.

Then I got to the section that said: Certified and licensed health-care providers recognized by the BSA to perform this exam include physicians (MD, Do), nurse practitioners, and physician's assistants.

Wait a minute. Where does it say moms? Moms should be on here.


Shit.

I called their pediatricians office and explained the situation.

Me: Is there any way I could get these health forms signed?

Receptionist: Of course. Just fax them over and we'll get them back to you in 72 hours.


Crap.

Me: Oh... uhm... I need them back today. Their camp is tonight. At 5:30 pm. I am so sorry - I didn't realize these were such elaborate health forms. Is there any way to get a signature on them this afternoon?

Receptionist: Well... it isn't too busy right now. I'll see what I can do.

Me: Thank you! Thank you! SO MUCH!

Receptionist: It's okay. It happens. We'll call you.

Whew. I'm home free...

About an hour later I get a call from the pediatrician's office. It's his nurse.

Nurse: Mrs. Amundson?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: We have a problem.

Me: Oh.

Shit

Nurse: We'll be able to sign off on Evan's health form, but not Zayd's. Zayd hasn't had a physical since 2005.

Me: Wow. Really?

Wow really? 

Me: Hmmm... that's kinda bad isn't it. (I say this as a statement, not a question)

...to which she responds...

Nurse: Yes. It's not good. We like to see them once a year.

Me: Right. Of course.

Nurse: This health form requires that the physical occur in the last year. So we can't sign this.

omg - Zayd is going to kill me. Paul is going to kill me.

Me: Uhm... okay. So - is there any way to get him in today?

pause

Nurse: Today?

Apparently the nurse is like my husband. A physical is not a spontaneous event. It should be pre-meditated... kinda like murder.

Me: Sure! Today!

Nurse: Well. I suppose we can see if we can get you in. Dr. B isn't available today. But we could get you in with Dr. T.

Me: Dr. T would be great!

Nurse: I'll put you on hold. Just a moment.

A few moments later - the receptionist is back on the phone.

Receptionist: So we are going to try to get Zayd in today?

Me: Yes. Please.

Receptionist: Well we have 1:15 open.

Crap.

Me: Ohhhh... I can't do that. I have a presentation to give at 2 pm. That's the only time I am busy today. I can't cancel the presentation.

Receptionist: Hmmm... well....

Me: Is there any way you can see us earlier?

Receptionist: Okay. I see we have some time at 11:30. But that's in a half-hour.

Me: Perfect! Thank you!

I rush to my car. I work at the university on the north end of town... Zayd's school is on the south end of town. It'll take me about 15 minutes to get to his school.. and 10 minutes to get to the clinic.

I call the school as I am driving to let them know I am coming to get him.

Me: Uhm... he doesn't know what this is about. Just tell him he has an appointment.

I get to the school office at 11:10 -- oooo... I shaved 5 minutes off my time. I wasn't speeding. I don't think I was speeding.

Me: Hi Zayd! We are going to get a physical.

His eyes widen... then narrow.

Zayd: Why?

Me: I'll explain in the car.

As we head to the doctor's office, I explain what happened. The health forms I ignored for a month, the need for a doctor's signature, the fact he hasn't had a physical in 5 years.

Zayd: You haven't taken me in for a physical in five years?

Me: You've been healthy! Why take you in if everything is fine!?

Zayd: So... what happens during a physical?

Me: Oh... they just look you over to make sure you are healthy.

Zayd: What do they look over?

Me: Everything.

pause

Zayd: Everything?

pause

Me: Yes. Everything.

pause

Zayd: You mean everything. EVERYTHING?

Me: Well.. yeah. I mean... yes. Everything.

Uh oh. I hadn't considered what this meant - especially for Zayd. My tortured creative soul. 

Me: It will be fine. They just peek around in that area to make sure it's all okay. Make sure there isn't anything weird going on down there.

pause

Zayd: Like what? Make sure I don't have two penises?

Me: (I burst out laughing). Well.. yes. I suppose that would be an issue...

Zayd starts laughing.

Okay - potential pitfall and tantrum avoided. Peek at privates has been cleared for landing.

After the exam... and three additional vaccines that I failed to have him get at the appropriate time... we were on our way home.

I've got health forms signed and ready to go... with five hours to spare.

As we walk up to the school together I say:

Me: I'd appreciate it if you would keep our little trip to the doctor's office between me and you.

Zayd: Why?

Me: Uhm... because dad wouldn't understand. He likes to plan things a bit more than I.

Zayd: (snort laughs). Well maybe next time I would like know you are taking me to a physical.

Me: Yeah. True. But see!? That wasn't SO bad. We have healthy bones... healthy muscles... and healthy testicles...

Zayd: MOM! (He bursts out laughing).

Me: We are all ready for winter camp!